ready to ramble

here we go. heads up: it’s gonna be allllll over the place.
thoughts scribbled as they come to mind, emotions flowing like water. time passes through my fingers like sand, grains of truth left behind.

i don’t know what it is with me… i don’t know why i need to have this constant companionship – this approval of some sorts… i need to know – and realize – the people that truly care about me, that are genuine and that really make an effort to understand me, and to know me, and to show the same caring as i do to people. the thing is … even if i have 100 friends, i wouldn’t be happy. if one or two people understood me and liked me for who i am, that would matter more. i don’t want superficial friends. but this is about me – me being strong, me having the courage and knowing the boundary of having people as friends and treating them right…without getting too attached, therein lies the problem. i really feel that with last year i was just swept up in getting too attached to those who i thought knew me best. i don’t know what happened, but i am rather repulsed of being the only one to communicate my feelings and say – yeah i don’t know what happened but let’s try and salvage this friendship. i really do put too much in – more than i should sometimes, and that’s horrible. because i end up getting hurt. it sucks balls, but it’s true: the world is in need of people that really care (im not cocky. i promise) but there has to be a limit for caring too much for other people – and i know sometimes that makes me feel better, but the majority of time it just makes me feel horrible in that i give 100% and no one else does. this being attached to people leads to a loss of focus on grades, and on school – and turns into me just overanalyzing and over thinking about people’s needs and problems compared to my own. sometimes i go out of my way to make sure my “friends” are okay before i get down to business, and i know that is something i really need to change about myself. some people just don’t care at all. they pretend to be your friend, but it’s usually because they want something out of you – maybe because they know you’re a good listener or because they feel like you’re going to b e there for them – which isn’t a bad thing if you didn’t have anything else to do. but since we do – and since we’re students and go to school, and selfishly and horribly, since they don’t put as much into the relationship as i do, i just lose respect for them. seriously. i should put myself first, deal with my problems with the self – whether it be writing it out or just getting work done – and then go to people for advice – but only the people that you know you can do something for. i mean, not to be horrible, but something you can reciprocate so that you wouldn’t feel guilty that you’re using them. maybe it’s horrible to me because i feel like i’m burdening people with my problems, but some people don’t even go as far to think that than just dumping all their problems on you. i should stop overanalyzing to make situations different than they really are. i try to do what i think is best, even if it does mean making people mad…compared to the sriram and bobby deal a few years back, and with what happened this past year, i know im definitely working on getting over people faster, and not giving in too much – meaning that i don’t let myself try to get hurt as easily as i did – and i do not put my feelings out like i did with certain people. it’s just really hard – but i know that i am so much better than i used to be. i still feel that, even though i’m single, but of course, it’s only natural. certain movies and certain songs aren’t helping. =) i’m quite happy with my friendships in general, and i should just leave everything at that. of course every now and then you’re allowed to feel that pang of singles awareness (again, thank you, movies), but the majority of the time, i’m sure it’s how they say the grass is greener, i should be happy with what i’m given, and i’m lucky to have been blessed with such good friends (and family, obviously), and if that’s what i’m supposed to enjoy now, then so be it.

<3