if we would only give, just once, the same amount of reflection to what we want to get out of life that we give to the question of what to do with a two weeks' vacation, we would be startled at our false standards and the aimless procession of our busy days. ~dorothy canfield fisher
if only. but when forced to make a decision regarding life...we're wishing we could vacate our live, to spend some time so we could make the right decision. sad that time nor life works that way. this kind of has been what's been going on in my life for quite some time now. the decisions i make are fleeting, as time itself ... seems as though nothing is stable, nothing is permanent, every thought, every idea, every moment just passes me by. add people onto that list.
people have become temporary in my life as well. of course, it was this way all through college, and i'm sure it's happened to quite a lot of people before, and history will continue to repeat itself as time keeps passing, but it's confusing. sure, it's a confusing time, but these people, that you spent those unforgettable moments with, that you shared a bond with, that you thought would be there ... are nowhere to be found these days. of course i'm blessed to have people in my life that have been with me since graduation, but who's to say they'll be there tomorrow?
no, don't get me wrong. i'm not being negative. i'm not! i'm just being realistic. think about it. how many people can you honestly say has been there with you since as long as you can remember? forget family. that's not what i'm talking about. family's always there, whether that's a blessing or a curse is a different story (now i'm being negative). but ... come on. seriously. think. one? two people? maybe three? i can only come up with one. and she's been there from 2000-2010. so ten years. what happened to before 2000? anyway i went on a tangent.
edit - 3.17.2011 - i think i either lost my train of thought or hopped on the train to sanity at that point because i left it at that. i hadn't written anything more. looking back at this, i have to admit that friendships and people had, at that point, been fleeting. i haven't lost too many more along the way ... but i think i've learned to appreciate what i have now. i'm content. i don't think i could say that when i first wrote this. you see, back then, i was always comparing myself to people about what they had and i didn't, or when i had something good, wondering why i wasn't lucky enough to have something better - like everyone else. i don't know whether that constant state of comparison comes from being indian, or whether its my own paranoid personality, but honestly, that is what i believe was my problem back then. can't say too much has changed since then - but i must admit i'm definitely nowhere as bad as i used to be. i'm a little more confident and secure than i used to be. i could be much, much better ... and i really need to let go of my past. the past has shaped me to be who i am today, but i still to some extent dictate how i feel today. and that should change. soon. :) that's all for now!
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