some year it's been. one of living a completely new life - restarting - participating in new things. sure you might say fear of solitude pushed me into such activities - but the truth remains that though a chunk of my life slipped away, slowly, pieces have started to come together - as they should. no longer am i reserved, no long do i consider the opinoins of others before i speak or act. i;m living according and on my own will - and i don't regret it in the least. it took me ages to get here. eons considering i try not to let anything affect me as much - the only thing that affected me once before was, yes, in regards to the same issue - a tiny, small, little four letter word - love. it's only recently i realized you need to take the good with bad in love, and that it's not an idealistic, perfect, romanticized world that the music and movies paint it to be. i still see you in words i utter, in everyday actions, but not so much anymore because it's only if its meant to happen that it will - that you'll come back, and it's only if i let go that you'll return, isn't that so? i endured much - in a different part of the nation - away from everything near and dear to me - to reevaluate what i considered to be crucial to my living - you. one that once upon a time used to bring me all the happiness in the world, one that without a syllable, brought a joy to my heart - boundless and unconditional - one that once upon a time used to be reciprocated until fate decided to rear its ugly head (ugly @ unnecessary times, of course) - and took away all of the good memories in an instant. without any idea in the world how to cope with this pain, i wallowed in my misery - hopeless, whole left part again, and i realied how much i missed you - maybe i am stubborn, but i refused to do antyhing about it - i had to explore my options as part again - reestablish relationships i disregarded to be part of your life - those who i shunned because i felt whole with you ... some of the people that enriched my life and opened up opportunities to me before i even met you. i decided to take it day by day and though the stalking did not end for quite some time, i realized, with this harsh life lesson, i became much stronger than i thought i would ever be. maybe i'm just making a big deal of everything. but i truly feel that through the pain you have caused me, a new me has emerged - one that knows what she wants out of life, and one that handles everything that comes her way a lot stronger than anyone else could. surely life isn't perfect, and i still remember him every now and then. i thought life was going well, but it seems life likes throwing curve balls at me ...
edit: 8.7.09: and though the communication is at a standstill these days, i still truly believe that perhaps we were torn apart for a reason - the challenges and obstacles i faced have made me a stronger person, and perhaps that's what you wanted for me. you always did believe in me and wanted the best. i still live with the hope that someday we will be able to fully smooth over the deep rifts... we'll see what fate has in mind.
<3
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