lasting memories

unforgettable memories continued.
7.24.06

wow. maybe there are certain feelings hidden under that rock-like exterior of yours, or maybe i'm blowing this out of proportion again. go figure - it's me. we didn't even do anything and here i am thinking you're okay with me hanging out as old friends used to. yeah, understand that - past tense. and things changed i'm guessing because we almost did something. having this brain of mine that overanalyzes every encounter or instance irritates me yet dichotomously leads me to wonder, are the same things going on in your head? are you thinking something along the lines of saying something to me, but then dismiss the thought because we haven't interacted like this in so long? communication. if only. i still do things hoping some semblance of a relationship will emerge out of it - but let's face it. you're a guy. surely i know deep down you feel somewhat the same way but the exterior fools the eye, my dear. the way you hum or sing outright in front of me leads me to ponder a certain aspect of our once-perfect relationship - but, love, i wish you'd SAY it once in a while. "it's been too long, we need time to ourselves, let's talk." ...never. but im working on never saying never. no, i don't need a "thanks for doing this for me," all i want is a "i miss you. i miss us. i miss our talks." - that's it. some verbal communication as to our current standing with each other. i don't need a "sit closer, i just miss being AROUND you." - no. i don't need that at all, although i wouldn't fully object because if i had to change one thing about you - scratch that - one of the few things, i'd want to change is i'd want you to be a more sensitive, softer ... rock. do i have certain multi-faceted intentions in mind? for now, well ... no. maybe you do miss me. or maybe i'm still a blip to you. a blip on the radar screen of being friends, loves (in the nonsensical meaning of this crazy word because there is absolutely no way i'd want to mess up what we have now). really - love - *sigh*. this world and the people in this world would love to take this the wrong way but know my intentions. know me. all i'm praying for is your full comprehension of our said situation. of our said "status." i just somehow end up confusing you further - whether it be with my illogical statements or just my overt affection which befuddles you, or muddles your thinking further. for whatever it is, or will be, i'm sorry. now if i could just say something to you - it'd be fine. but i'm refraining to see where it goes if i don't meddle. just pray. or even think about me once in a while. try to keep in touch with someone who thinks the world of you. thanks for asking for my help. thanks for restoring my somewhat-confirmed doubts (LOL), thanks for saying something - whether it be out of selfish intentions, thanks for taking me places ... i'd just wish i wouldn't be so hung up on my own dichotomous thinking, i wish i could be just who you know me to be - without a care in the world as to what people'd think and yes, this just might be me overanalyzing again but you even willing to take me somewhere was a risk (IS) in our world - i want all communication lines to be open. i want you to tell me you love me too (more than once), i want you to be true to us, you are just too important a person in my life. i cannot mess this up again, i cannot gamble this all away by saying what i really want to say - i just can't. and though i believe in truth - you have to know your surroundings. *sigh* tell me how you feel as often as i tell you my feelings - and be true. express your life and love through complete communication to me or i just fear that this relationship will somehow wither. god forbid. i love you. it never wavered. though now i feel it to do so. make me a part of your life again and forgive me for what i have or have not done, for what i have or have not said. you mean the world to me. i love you.

dil chahta hai ke yeh tanhanyian bhool jau aur teri yaadon main khoye rehne ke bagair teri ssath rishtaa jodlu, itni saloh ke baadh.

and don't take love the wrong way. because it just doesn't mean what it used to mean to me. as much as i want to be detached from everything, you just do something to make me wholly and completely adhered to your every move, action, words. this love just seems to go beyond what it means o all else - it is agape, it is phileo indeed, and eros has no part in this play of ours - and i intend to keep my heart and mind strong - it would be wrong, but i need you to know this.



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