you know i've realized that when you're so wrapped up in your own thoughts and feelings, that you just cannot see with what the rest of the world is dealing.
my eyes were closed to everything but me. my problems. my issues. and the wrongs done to me.
in all honesty, the few months from summer '08 to winter '09 ... they were quite difficult. they challenged me. i was just so caught up with all the wrongs that were done TO me, that all the injustice, unnecessary words, the difficulty of having 20 units in my first quarter of my senior year, of the friendships that i lost because i blamed one person ... the tedious routine of everyday life, the monotony - well, i did it to myself.
at that point in time, yes, i admit, i loved throwing myself pity parties. and perhaps, that's how i cut myself off from the rest of the world. as sarah jessica parker says in the sex and the city movie, i was an 'emotional cutter.' i was negative, i wasn't genuine - i was everything i hated. and somehow i believed in the best. yeah, it makes no sense. i knew i needed 'me' time. i knew i needed to take care of myself. but somehow, looking back, i think i went about it so completely and horrifyingly wrong.
i complained. i obsessed. i didn't stop talking about it. i embellished some of the events. i painted this person as an amoral individual. okay, maybe he is. maybe i wasn't lying completely. but still. i did/said things i shouldn't have. and i think that just made me get even more attached, when i should've given up, walked away, and been free of all that. but hey, it was a learning experience right? if i regretted it, that wouldn't help me getting over the issue.
i distanced myself from everyone. and that's never a good thing. i was superficially present. physically present but mentally checked out. my mind was always on one person. and that person didn't give a crap about me. but hey, it's made me a better person. it's made me realize that no matter how much you do for some people, they won't appreciate you. no matter what lengths you go to, you're never going to be good enough. but that's also made me realize that there are so many people like that in your own life that you need to appreciate for their efforts. you need to be your best person. be your best and leave the rest to god, my mom always says. sure i take her for granted as well ... but you'll realize that if you don't understand things on your own time, that you're never going to fully grasp the enormity of what that one idea/issue means.
i felt like this. exactly like this.
and i think i did. grasp it over time, i mean. which is sad, because i lost a lot of good times in college. but i know i'm much better off now, and that everything happens for a reason. sometimes i went out with people just to be far away from my room, which i associated to be everything bad. without a lot of people's help, advice, and support, i don't think i'd be where i am right now. i know i got myself into that mess, and it took time to get out, but i'm sure glad i did.
wrapped up. seriously so wrapped up that i didn't realize when the leaves turned green, when spring rolled around, when the birds started chirping in the morning, when people would smile or wave at me, and meant it. for a little while there, i was so negative, i think people could tell that i wasn't being my genuine self ... every little thing used to frustrate me. i used to get angry at the drop of a hat ... i didn't want to be like that, but certain company forced me to be so ... jaded.
you know what, though? i know all that's made me a better person. but for what? i've lost a lot too - respect for myself, trust, and that ability to not be vengeful that i used to be so proud of. but i guess from now on, i just need to let the chips fall where they may. let fate take its course. and from now on, i just need to be the best person i can be. if people are meant to be a part of your life, they will be. you have some control, but for the most part, up there, someone is playing puppeteer ... someone who knows you better than yourself. and you need to trust that.
and i do.
<3
No comments:
Post a Comment