being comfortable in my skin ...

you know i still feel like it's 2010. like time has stopped.
maybe because i'm not entirely being productive with my life
at the moment, and it's all become the same - day in, day out -
same bs, different day. don't get me wrong, i literally cannot
pinpoint one thing in my life that i'm unhappy about - other
than the fact that a) no job, and (b) no motivation to study.
those things (one or both) that will honestly make my life complete
at this point.

mama always tells me ... that i have ADD. sweet of her, yes? but
maybe, just maybe - this might be the case! i've realized slowly but
surely my attention span, my ability to multitask, my love for juggling
jobs+extracurricular activities+errands+life - its kind of gone down
the drain. i noticed this as i started my RAND internship back in fall
2009 - if not faced with a deadline, i believe the world is my oyster
and take my sweet time doing whatever i want. i also know, mind you,
that i need to fix this asap ... hasn't happened yet.

i tell myself every night before my body succumbs to sleep that tomorrow
will be different, tomorrow will be productive, and things will get done
... but somehow it doesn't. now don't ask me why. i can't answer that for
you. vishal tells me i'm lazy. just pure lazy. i believe it might be the fear
of all that math on the GRE test, or not doing well in anything at all.
in the last two days, ive come to miss school. i miss the order of life, i
miss having a schedule that i had to stick to. the lack of it has left my
life in shambles - and no, i'm not being dramatic. it sounds like i need
someone to hold my hand while beating discipline into me. paradox, you
might say. but honestly, its how i feel.

i want to get out there, be somebody, not just to prove it to everyone around
me, but to myself before the rest. being comfortable is never a bad thing, but
when its being stuck in a stage like this - where everything is provided to you,
you have good friends, great support from family, you might not want to get
out there and experience life and the hard work you need to move forward in
life. as i learnt in ssy, i have to tell myself "its happening" rather than "it will
happen." present tense is always important.

my aim to get me on track to where i want to be is - in addition to studying -
watching one TED video a day (Technology, Entertainment, Design)
and reading one Wikipedia article a day. hopefully
also blogging once a day. but I don't want to get overambitious. here's to new
beginnings. and a better life :)


<3