fleeting moments

7.3.06

an old entry that was wrapped around unforgettable memories.

guess i just revert back to my old self in fleeting moments of depression...actually, it is just too hard to put into words...the ups and downs that so seriously stunt your thoughts and actions in general - as much as I believe myself to be a better person after Jan 1 '06 - it's just ... everything gets turned upside down so easily. bipolarity? It's just too hard to decide. of course, this is life - without the roller coaster ride, life'd be something like milton's utopia ... a dream. i'm not saying i'm not competent enough to handle the obstacles thrown at me ... but i guess all i'm wondering is how and why i so easily let minuscule thoughts, words, actions, judgments affect me so deeply it impairs my ability to act as i wish to, and most often do - detached from anything and everything. i've had a few of these days after attending uci for a year, and being after jan 1 - everything just seemed to get worse as much as i'd try to keep a positive attitude. i think talkin to people kept me sane. scratch that. i totally take that back. i realized after a certain point that first i'd make sure i understood where i was coming from, what i felt, how i'd react, then turn to others after i'd be fairly sure of how i felt. as per mill's observation, it is through discussion of one's ideas that participation in society and improvement of oneself occurs. yes, cliches are true - everything happens for a reason. the people we meet, the daily occurrences all take a toll on your way of thinking and on your life. the people i met at uci, the ideas that were exchanged, emitted, the implementations of such passive ideas at hsc - yoga, satsang, meditation - everything changed my point of view on life. if i hadn't experienced drama in high school, i wouldn't know what kind of people or activities i'd feel fully comfortable with. grades mattered, sure, but the misunderstanding of how to deal with or be fully appreciative of the effort put in helped decrease the stress amount considerably. nothing seems to bother me anymore. well...you can't say that. really. i just seem to live in a world of my own =P where i feel that silly quarrels, rumors, such things shouldn't get the best of me.*** if nothing bothered me, i'd be the perfect person. yeah right. i just have found better ways to deal with it - and better ways to think about things so as to not interfere with studies...i wish i could totally screw it all - but it's all time and timing as well. it depends on daily goings-on, your social, familial, religious, mental and emotional states - though balance is key, it's just in your point of view and your approach to such ups and downs that shapes your outlook and attitude. it's cyclical, really. i just realized rather contemplating or venting, it's best if i just take time - forget my problems for a slight while, then come back with a slightly clear mind and take things as it goes.*** thinking is not, but rather forgetting is the great corrosive to all pain. if not permanent, even temporary, just as someone special once told me "sleep is the great corrosive to all pain," i believe that some thought must be given, but again, in balance - nothing overdone, nothing extreme - go with the flow =) i like my cliches, as much as some people don't =P i just view them in my own wayyy...enough for now.

*edit. 1.6.08. - i now realize that is true once again. that is, after spending/wasting a good 8 months of my life on someone that wasn't worth it at all. anymore, anyway.
** edit. 1.6.08 - sometimes you don't have control over this. usually if the person or people you're involved with has a different opposing opinion as to your handling of the situation, you have no choice but to alter yourself to make the situation work or decide if the person or people are even worth the argument.




<3